A World Without Heroes

"Where you don't know what you're after
Or if something's after you
And you don't know why you don't know

In a world without heroes
There's nothing to be
It's no place for me"

-Stanley, Simmons, Ezrin, Reed

A hero is someone that the rest of us seek to emulate, strive to imitate, to model our actions after.....

 

Today is my brother John's birthday. He's my hero....always has been. Not because he did exactly what he set out in life to do. Not because he was, hands down, bar none, the best in his field. Not because he was famous for a while. Not because he was hysterically funny or because he was smarter than most people. Not because he didn't suffer fools, or because he could tell you like it is....Not because of his love of music or of all things science fiction. Not because of the charity work he participated in or the way he could make everyone around him feel special. Not because of all the things he taught me.... Not because he always made me feel safe....

He was all of these things, but that's not why he was my hero. 

He was my hero because he had passion...pure and simple.....

"I hope there's something that's as important to you as breathing, as exhilarating in its execution as flying down the highway at 100 miles an hour taking a high, hot turn without so much as a hint of a loss of control. Y'know? That one thing, no matter other people's opinions or like or dislike of it…it is something of yours. That one singular something that helps to define you, a something that you just can't live without doing. Hobby, job, avocation…whatever."

"I don't know if you have a passion in your life. Mine's broadcasting. Mine's verbal or musical expression of myself, whether it's silly or serious, deft or ham-handed…it's that verbal expression tied to music or current events that unfolds over a three or four hour period in which I've researched, sought out meaning, distilled into a regular place and time for sharing from me to you. I don't even care if you like it or not. I am not in the thrall of approval, it's not about you loving me so I can feel fulfilled. The fulfillment comes merely from the doing of it. The passion of it. The substance, or lack thereof… of it...... It's not about the content, really, it's about the DOING, the rush, the thrill, the spike of peak emotion that courses through my veins, my soul as I crack open the microphone and tell the most compelling story I've just written or the stupidest joke someone told me or how a song could have possibly made it out of the head of a lifelong heroin junkie to have an impact on "straights" everywhere." - John Majhor

My brother left my presence on January 23rd, 2007... . Someday, when I'm much stronger, I may actually grieve his passing... but for now, I'll keep listening to his voice in my head, telling me to find MY passion in life....

from the Dark Side

Two years later...and I'm still kicking!

Today marks two years since my death.... seriously! Two years since I found myself in an Emergency Room, trying to figure out what the hell happened and why my mom was sitting in the corner crying....
I had a heart attack.....but I'm one of the lucky ones for sure. 

Here's the story...
I was headed to Ottawa with my mom to attend my late brother's induction into the Canadian Broadcasters Hall of Fame. I was going to be accepting on his behalf. I hadn't slept in over 36 hours because of nerves, excitement, crappy time management...blah, blah, blah....and for roughly the previous 10 hours, I had been feeling like I was having really bad indigestion. I ignored it, figured it was just from the all the stress and it would go away.... 
It didn't. 
As we sat waiting to board the plane, the pain started getting worse, and something (or someone... I have an idea, but that's for another blog) told me this wasn't right, and not to get on the plane. So I figured we could change our flights to the next day and I could go see the Dr and just have it checked out. I went to the ticket agent and started to explain that I wanted to reschedule because I was having these weird pains in my chest... Here's a tip for everyone...if you say "chest" and "pain" in the same sentence in a public place, be prepared for the response! Within seconds, I was surrounded by airport police, paramedics and firefighters.... And then I was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital....
On a side note, those of you who think laughter is the best medicine haven't tried morphine...Oh yeah, and nitro gives you a really bizarre head rush... 8^)

At the hospital, I had an MRI or a CT, can't remember which, and as they're transferring me from the machine back to the gurney, the whole world just went black......
No warning, no major pain, no nothing...just blackness...and dead silence.
Full arrest......
The next thing I remember is really bright lights...no, not those kind...the bright  lights of the ER were shining in my eyes...and a lot of noise....I can hear my mom, I think she's crying...I sense that my niece is there too, but I can't see her. And I have this really overwhelming sense of sadness....no explanation for that,.,.Then I'm on my way to surgery....


The first night in the ICU was hell...not so much because I was in pain, but because I had to lay on my back for 12 hours post-surgery...and I can't lay on my back for that long....I was miserable, and being a big pain in the ass...They decided to give me something to make it more bearable, (mostly for them, I think)....so they gave me Fentanyl, and it caused my blood pressure to bottom out...(another interesting feeling)..It was kind of entertaining to watch the nursing staff go into overdrive to keep me from crashing again......

So, two years later, I'm still alive and glad for it...most days. It changed many things in my life, some good, some not. But it is what it is... And now when someone tells me to drop dead, (which does happen from time to time) I can honestly, politely say "been there, done that already, but thanks for the suggestion...."

That's the story...from the Dark Side

*listening to Green Day "Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"
"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life."-Michael Pritchard,  Frank E Wright,  Billie Joe Armstrong,

To Those Who Have Shared.....

....your pain with me in the recent weeks:


I understand the courage....

For some of you, I opened that door and called you out. And you brought it... Thank you for trusting me enough to be so brutally open with your experiences. Know that your stories are safe inside me forever. I hope that sharing affords you some small measure of quiet. And I hope you realize now that you are not alone...


For those who have reached out to me...the hardest part is watching you suffer through mind bending emotional events and know that I am helpless to change anything. No matter how much I think I can or want to help, I really am only a spectator. If I say I know how you feel, I'm lying.... I don't know. Whatever experiences I bring along, no matter how similar, are just not the same.  All I can do is hold your hand ....and listen a little.... You have to heal yourself. But when all the conversations are done, and every theory, consequence and option have been explored and analyzed, I'll still be here with you, for as long as you need me.

Now I'm going back to the Dark Side...to reinforce the fences, rehang the "No trespassing" signs, and beat back the beasts that threatened to escape when I allowed those gates to be opened...

* listening to "We All Die Young" - Steelheart

The view from the edge....

"Experience the exhilaration of the view from the edge"- Sarah Charter

Fear is defined as an emotional response to a perceived threat. It is one of those very basic survival mechanisms we possess to keep us out of  harm's way. But it isn't always logical.

Sometimes, we're presented with the opportunity to experience something completely new.... and unknown....and it can be pretty damn scary. The choice then is to give in to the fear and refuse the opportunity....or step right up to edge, and take the leap.  For most of my life, I have given in to the fear and chosen the more certain path.... consequently missing out on many adventures.  But as I get older, I find that I'm more willing to suppress the fear.... to justify the risks. Oddly enough, I think this is the opposite of the rest of the world. Most take risks in their younger days and grow more cautious with age. But then, I've never done things the "right" way....

So, here's the words of wisdom for today....take a few chances in your life. Don't give in to the fear and miss out on the things that make life worth getting out of bed for. Remember that fear does not equal caution. Face the fear, and then step right up to the edge....and jump. Enjoy the flight......

from the edge of the Dark Side....

*listening to "Livin' on the Edge" - Aerosmith

Time

Ever noticed that time changes when you're waiting for something? If it's something pleasant, Time crawls, and if it's something not so pleasant, Time flies....But then, in general time flies as I age. The older I get, the shorter each year seems. Looking at my calendar, it's already nearing the end of July...almost August....almost the end of summer. How can that be?  Wasn't it just April a little while ago?

I dread winters. While summer seems to pass in a blink, winters feel like they drag by...and it's not even the cold. I can manage the cold. It's the bleakness. Life becomes only shades of gray, even on the sunniest days. Winter is not my friend. I have had the pleasure of knowing life without winter and it was seldom ever gray.

So, what has brought me to this today? I have 2 occasions coming in the near future, both of the pleasant nature, and I find myself wishing that Time would hurry up. When I was a kid, I wished that I could close my eyes and it would magically be whatever time I wanted. Christmases, my birthdays, a visit from one of my big brothers....But now when I wish for time to hurry, I realize that there is a price. The closer I get to my occasions, the closer I get to the end of summer. *sigh*  Everything has a price....just sayin'....

That's the view from the Dark Side...

*listening to "Time Stand Still"- Rush

"A Life Unexamined....."

"A life unexamined is not worth living" - Socrates

Inspiration comes from unusual and unexpected sources.....

I was talking to a very close friend of my late brother John's, and we talked about my quest to find a purpose for my little blog. He suggested "an observation of the human condition"  .......

hmmmm....*scratching head*   What the hell does it mean?

The beauty of  "an observation of the human condition" is the abstraction. Endless possibilities, infinite topics, no constraints. Pure editorial. My freakin' opinion of whatever moves my soul at the moment. Nice and non-committal.....

And so, the blog has a purpose....sort of...


Oh yeah, and I added some tunes......

observing.....from the Dark Side

*listening to "Perfect Strangers" - Deep Purple

Reality Check!

I'd like to think that I can live this life without any input from the rest of the world, but lately,  it hasn't seemed to be working that way. In the past few months, I've found that, when I least expect or deserve it, some people will step up and provide exactly what I need at a particular moment in time. Recently, I have been gifted with everything from help with a really stupid problem to a friendship that I 'm going to cherish forever. I find myself asking "why" a lot, because I still tend to be suspicious, and don't always feel like I've earned something, but I'm starting to find that sometimes, things, and people for that matter, really are what they appear to be, without any hidden cost or agenda. So, I guess this is my way of saying thank you to some people....and I think you all know who you are....

Now, this doesn't mean that I'm turning into a sunshine bright, "the world is all wonderful", "I love everyone" kind of person. There is no danger of changing the name of the blog. I still see the world from the Dark Side....

* listening to "If Today Was Your Last Day" - Nickelback

Walking in a Minefield....

Honestly, some days it really isn't worth chewing through the restraints....
Once again, I'm reminded why I'm not a people person. Just when I think I've found some solid footing, the earth shifts under me again and the universe brutally schools me one more time on the ways of the world.......
It's like trying to navigate a minefield without a map....you know it's just a matter of time. If you're lucky, it'll kill you outright - if not, the best you can do is gather up the pieces and find a safe place to regroup.

So, I'm going to hide out here in the dark side for a while, reassess my view of the world and see how things resonate...in between banging my head on the wall.


.....from the Dark Side.....


listening to "Allies" by Heart

Some days.....

This was one of those days. I know I said I wasn't going to talk about animals....apparently I lied...
We had to euthanize a cat today that should not have been in the condition that necessitated this decision. The animals we use at school are brought to the school on Monday morning by several different rescue groups and animal shelters and are returned to them on Thursday afternoon. In exchange for allowing the students to learn from them, we spay/neuter, vaccinate and deworm as well as treat any minor conditions, at no cost. We are not set up at school to treat anything more serious than minor little issues here and there so we will refuse any animal that is obviously ill. This morning, one of the animals brought to us was a young (~5years) long haired intact male cat. He was emaciated, lethargic and smelled horrible. The shelter worker said that he had been at the shelter for about 3 weeks and they hadn't brought him to us because he was too sick.One of the students was directed to check his temperature and when she lifted his tail to take the temp, (yes...that's where we take the temp...it's too hard to get them to hold the thermometer under their tongue...) the problem became very obvious. He had matted fur all around his backside that was full of fecal matter and it appeared that he had diarrhea. With clippers, I started to shave the mats away and realized that there was no skin underneath! Literally, the tissue was so infected that the skin simply sloughed off. In addition, there were areas that were ulcerated into the muscle. I can't begin to imagine how painful this must've  been. While this condition could be treated, it would require at least 3 weeks of very intensive nursing, $1000 or more and probably several months to heal completely. Sadly, this was just not possible because the shelter doesn't have the financial resources or manpower needed to provide this level of care. And certainly no money for it to be treated at a regular vet clinic. So the only alternative was to euthanize....Very, very sad. I gave my class the option of being present or not and bless them, they all stayed. I think for most of them this was the first time they had witnessed a euthanasia. I sincerely hope that I was able to convey to them the magnitude of being able to end a life and that they understand that each animal deserves to be treated with respect and dignity, no matter if they have an owner or not. And, it's ok to cry........Tough day...

If this has affected you in any way, please, consider making a donation to your local animal shelter. Keep in mind that local shelters struggle with day to day operations with limited funds and mostly volunteers. The Humane Society of the United States does not...let me say that again, DOES NOT give money to local shelters. In fact the majority of their money goes into lobbying, not animal care, despite what their commercials imply. In fact, recent documents (these are all public record) indicated that HSUS put $2 million into their employee retirement fund....$2 million.....donated money....So, please, give directly to your local humane society or rescue group.

And spay/neuter your dogs and cats!

Alright....I'm done preaching....I need to go take my blood pressure pills....:)

*listening to  "Overcome" - Live

From the dark side.....

Chapter 85 and the end of the weekend

So, I got a tweet on my phone that chapter 85 was up...and I'm sitting in a freakin' symposium! I had to wait all day to get home to read....ARGH!! And then when I got home, I still had to get the dang lawn mowed....All I could think about was getting done and getting to my laptop! Exercise in self control...So, now I've read it....and reread it...and re-reread it....And I'm sure that I'll be reading again several times...And then when the whole story is done (that's actually a really sad thought...the story will end eventually) I'm sure I'll be reading it over and over again. What is it about this story???? I dunno...go figure. If anyone has theories, I'm open to hearing them.

I'm staying away from the Sisterhood chat tonight....but I had a really good time last night. Looking forward to the next one already..... 

R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio. Heavy metal has lost an icon...He's actually credited with creating the heavy metal salute  \m/ >_< \m/

"No sign of the morning coming
You've been left on your own
Like a Rainbow in the Dark" - Dio

*listening to "Rainbow in the Dark" - Dio


From the Dark Side...

What would I do without....

Did you notice the new banner? Abso-fucking-lutely incredible! An original piece by the coolest Zealander on the planet!I  love it!!!!! Thanks BB!!! Love ya like a sister!

Too Lazy to Think of a Title....

I'm trying desperately to not fall asleep and do a face-plant on my keyboard...I'm getting too dang old for this all-nighter shit....And yet, given the same opportunity, I'd do it all over again. As my BFF Val is fond of saying, "get up! you can sleep when you're dead!"  Many more of these late nights and that might come sooner that I'd like. Once again, I'd like to thank the academy....no, wait...the sisterhood for making what I am today...TIRED!!!

I still haven't figured out what I want to blog about. The first thing that comes to mind is animals, but then it winds up being a veterinary Q&A.... "hey, my dog has this *insert anomaly here* on his *insert body part here*. Whaddaya think it is?" Sure, I can tell you without seeing it what it is, how severe it is, and whether or not it's likely to be fatal....right. So, probably not animals...I may sometimes get on my soapbox about certain animal-related issues. Fair warning...

39 hours without sleep...I think I'm doing pretty dang good...Contrary to popular belief, I can in fact find my ass with both hands....

So, on that note...I'm off

As always....from the Dark Side

* listening to "Meet Virginia" - Train

Well, shit.....My computer took powder last night while I was talking to the Sisterhood....Son of a low down, dirty, rotten, skanky bitch....And we were telling some really good stories...Let's recap...internet pajamas, verbal assault in the parking lot by a scary broad, cougars, pocket drawers, Quasimodo, crotch fire (not a rash!!) and.....Oh yeah, SMEXING!!!!!!!!!  OME...I was  laughing so hard.....And we know it's a successful chat when someone pees.......
So, since I didn't get to say goodnight last night....uh...goodnight and thanks for making me laugh until my face hurt! I love you guys! My sanity has been restored....ok, that's a stretch.....how about my sanity has been returned to it's normal state? More accurate....

I was going to complain about the crappy, rainy, COLD (40 freakin' degrees? Seriously?? It's MAY fer cryin' out loud!) weather today but then I saw that it snowed in Rapid City yesterday, so not complaining....At least you don't have to shovel rain....

I'm still trying to figure out what the purpose of my blog is going to be...I'm open to suggestions...I guess I could just be like Seinfeld and be about nothing in particular...I'm pretty good at nothing in particular...Or maybe some spectacular inspiration will hit me and I will find my purpose in life....ok, I'll settle for at least writing something worth reading...

*listening to: "Arena of Pleasure"- W.A.S.P.

From the Dark Side......

Welcome to the Dark Side

No, there are no cookies here...you want cookies, then bring yer own dang cookies! What I DO have is snarky comments, wiseass remarks, astute observations ....and the occassional brilliant insight. I'll be sure to highlight those so they don't go unnoticed....

So, why have a blog? Well, DUH!!!...because everyone else has a blog, right? I'm just keeping up.....'

Ok....learned something new today.....I now know what smexing means....I think......Not sure I could use it in a sentence though....Not sure that I would ever want to use it in a sentence...

So, welcome to my blog....Who knows what topics will  appear here....