A World Without Heroes

"Where you don't know what you're after
Or if something's after you
And you don't know why you don't know

In a world without heroes
There's nothing to be
It's no place for me"

-Stanley, Simmons, Ezrin, Reed

A hero is someone that the rest of us seek to emulate, strive to imitate, to model our actions after.....

 

Today is my brother John's birthday. He's my hero....always has been. Not because he did exactly what he set out in life to do. Not because he was, hands down, bar none, the best in his field. Not because he was famous for a while. Not because he was hysterically funny or because he was smarter than most people. Not because he didn't suffer fools, or because he could tell you like it is....Not because of his love of music or of all things science fiction. Not because of the charity work he participated in or the way he could make everyone around him feel special. Not because of all the things he taught me.... Not because he always made me feel safe....

He was all of these things, but that's not why he was my hero. 

He was my hero because he had passion...pure and simple.....

"I hope there's something that's as important to you as breathing, as exhilarating in its execution as flying down the highway at 100 miles an hour taking a high, hot turn without so much as a hint of a loss of control. Y'know? That one thing, no matter other people's opinions or like or dislike of it…it is something of yours. That one singular something that helps to define you, a something that you just can't live without doing. Hobby, job, avocation…whatever."

"I don't know if you have a passion in your life. Mine's broadcasting. Mine's verbal or musical expression of myself, whether it's silly or serious, deft or ham-handed…it's that verbal expression tied to music or current events that unfolds over a three or four hour period in which I've researched, sought out meaning, distilled into a regular place and time for sharing from me to you. I don't even care if you like it or not. I am not in the thrall of approval, it's not about you loving me so I can feel fulfilled. The fulfillment comes merely from the doing of it. The passion of it. The substance, or lack thereof… of it...... It's not about the content, really, it's about the DOING, the rush, the thrill, the spike of peak emotion that courses through my veins, my soul as I crack open the microphone and tell the most compelling story I've just written or the stupidest joke someone told me or how a song could have possibly made it out of the head of a lifelong heroin junkie to have an impact on "straights" everywhere." - John Majhor

My brother left my presence on January 23rd, 2007... . Someday, when I'm much stronger, I may actually grieve his passing... but for now, I'll keep listening to his voice in my head, telling me to find MY passion in life....

from the Dark Side

Two years later...and I'm still kicking!

Today marks two years since my death.... seriously! Two years since I found myself in an Emergency Room, trying to figure out what the hell happened and why my mom was sitting in the corner crying....
I had a heart attack.....but I'm one of the lucky ones for sure. 

Here's the story...
I was headed to Ottawa with my mom to attend my late brother's induction into the Canadian Broadcasters Hall of Fame. I was going to be accepting on his behalf. I hadn't slept in over 36 hours because of nerves, excitement, crappy time management...blah, blah, blah....and for roughly the previous 10 hours, I had been feeling like I was having really bad indigestion. I ignored it, figured it was just from the all the stress and it would go away.... 
It didn't. 
As we sat waiting to board the plane, the pain started getting worse, and something (or someone... I have an idea, but that's for another blog) told me this wasn't right, and not to get on the plane. So I figured we could change our flights to the next day and I could go see the Dr and just have it checked out. I went to the ticket agent and started to explain that I wanted to reschedule because I was having these weird pains in my chest... Here's a tip for everyone...if you say "chest" and "pain" in the same sentence in a public place, be prepared for the response! Within seconds, I was surrounded by airport police, paramedics and firefighters.... And then I was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital....
On a side note, those of you who think laughter is the best medicine haven't tried morphine...Oh yeah, and nitro gives you a really bizarre head rush... 8^)

At the hospital, I had an MRI or a CT, can't remember which, and as they're transferring me from the machine back to the gurney, the whole world just went black......
No warning, no major pain, no nothing...just blackness...and dead silence.
Full arrest......
The next thing I remember is really bright lights...no, not those kind...the bright  lights of the ER were shining in my eyes...and a lot of noise....I can hear my mom, I think she's crying...I sense that my niece is there too, but I can't see her. And I have this really overwhelming sense of sadness....no explanation for that,.,.Then I'm on my way to surgery....


The first night in the ICU was hell...not so much because I was in pain, but because I had to lay on my back for 12 hours post-surgery...and I can't lay on my back for that long....I was miserable, and being a big pain in the ass...They decided to give me something to make it more bearable, (mostly for them, I think)....so they gave me Fentanyl, and it caused my blood pressure to bottom out...(another interesting feeling)..It was kind of entertaining to watch the nursing staff go into overdrive to keep me from crashing again......

So, two years later, I'm still alive and glad for it...most days. It changed many things in my life, some good, some not. But it is what it is... And now when someone tells me to drop dead, (which does happen from time to time) I can honestly, politely say "been there, done that already, but thanks for the suggestion...."

That's the story...from the Dark Side

*listening to Green Day "Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"
"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life."-Michael Pritchard,  Frank E Wright,  Billie Joe Armstrong,