The Loss of a Friend

"Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives."  ~ John Galsworthy



While many have a love/hate relationship with Facebook, it is fair to say that I have acquired a group of friends through social media that I might otherwise not have. And today, I learned that one of them has gone from this world.

McKenzie is a Flat-coated Retriever who lived with Gina Spadafori, (http://www.goodfaithranch.com ) an author and  free-lance writer from California. I have never met, in person, either of them, but through social media, I was able to follow the "adventures" of McKenzie through her Facebook page. McKenzie came to fame as she traveled across the country in 2011 with Dr Marty Becker's  Big Bus Tour while promoting his book, "Your Dog: The Owner's Manual". Everywhere she went, she made friends and served as an ambassador for her breed and for well-behaved dogs everywhere. It was so much fun to follow the tour via McKenzie's Facebook page.

In February of this year, McKenzie was diagnosed with cancer, which was discovered quite by accident during a routine veterinary visit. As horrific as a cancer diagnosis is, Gina shared unselfishly McKenzie's journey through the illness over the past 10 months. And while I suspect that, as is the case with many writers, sharing was catharsis, she generously shared both the ups and downs. She shared with cautious optimism while always being realistic about the ordeal and sometimes managing to find some humorous parts. Gina discussed many things... about canine cancer, about alternative treatments, about implementing nutrition as part of treatment and advocated for pet insurance. I sincerely hope that the topics she shared prompted others to seek further information. I know I found myself learning some new things......

My heart hurts so much for Gina right now. While it is not possible to know exactly how she feels, I know how I have felt when losing a beloved companion and I can only imagine the magnitude of what Gina is experiencing. I cringe whenever I hear some well-meaning person say something like "she had a good, long life" as though that is supposed to make it ok for a loved one to die, but I do believe that, as testament to Gina's extraordinary care, McKenzie had 10 extra months of amazing life.  It was by Gina's commitment to providing the best possible care that McKenzie left this world with grace and dignity, having lived ALL of her days free of discomfort....

In celebration of McKenzie's life, please consider making a donation in her honor. There are so many options.... Morris Animal Foundation, your nearest veterinary clinic's emergency fund, Colorado State University's Animal Cancer Center, Canine Cancer Awareness.....Reputable charities are not hard to find...

And finally, honor McKenzie by "liking" her Facebook page:

 https://www.facebook.com/#!/McKenzieTheDog?fref=ts

 McKenzie  Feb 23,2005 - Dec 26, 2012

Rest in Peace

 

 

 

With a heavy heart....from the Darkside....

 

listening to "Keep Me In Your Heart"  - Warren Zevon

 

 

 



 

 

The eyes of an old dog.....

Sometimes, I allow myself to get buried under all of the things that pretend to be so uberimportant ... and I forget to pay attention to the things that really, truly do matter...

This morning, I was checking my email, my social networking sites, reading the news of the world, and doing all the other things that I must do every day because I think it's soooo freakin' important. My old dog, Cleo, came up and gently nudged my arm...(thankfully not the one holding the cup of coffee). At nearly 14, she's starting to really show her age, the gray taking over what was once sleek jet black...She moves slower, struggles to rise and sometimes can't hide the pain in her legs....I am frequently reminded that my time with her is limited....

So I glanced down at her, intending to shoo her away,  because I was, after all, so very busy..... but I looked into her very aged eyes... not as bright as they once were, clouded with cataracts, surrounded by the dull, gray fur....But they reflect so much.... In that brief moment, I crashed face first into absolute clarity..

In a flash, I saw all of the amazing dogs that have drifted in and out of my life over the last 14 years... Big and little dogs....friendly and not-so-friendly...the healthy ones and the sick ones....the ones with owners who love them and the ones without....the ones at the beginning of their lives, and ones at the very end....

Each and every one has become a part of me, a part of my soul.

 I placed my hand on her head (which is really all she ever wants in life), looked into those opaque little eyes...and accepted the gift she was giving.... The gift of sight......

I am sometimes asked if I think I survived my heart attack for a specific reason, if there is something that I'm still supposed to do. I don't think so. I think I'm already doing exactly what I am supposed to do.......

With clear vision from the Darkside......

Listening to "Angels"  ~ Robbie Williams

2011

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." -Vicki Harrison

It's January 21th, 2012.... The temperature is about 10 degrees F as I look out the sliding glass door to the back yard....which was mostly brown until just a few hours ago...almost no snow so far this winter... See? Some wishes do get granted.... I can see a few hearty leaves still clinging desperately to the trees.... In hope, maybe? Belligerent defiance? Are those the survivors? Or just the pathetic fools who don't know when they are defeated?

As reflected by the absence of any blog updates, 2011was a difficult year to write...It was a year of extremes..... joy and hurt, hope and desolation, challenge and defeat... small gains and devastating losses, hard choices interspersed with no choice at all... Simply a veritable roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. And many, many days of questioning my reasons for, and desire to continue participating....No, 2011 won't be going into the books as one of my favorite years but will certainly never leave my memory.

It was a year of incredibly hard lessons. Reminders that even things I thought I could count on can be taken away....without my consent or consultation..... The things that I lean on for balance can be snatched away in a breath. Then the tumbling, wild cartwheeling as I look to find some purchase, something to hold onto to right myself again. Sometimes successful, sometimes not.... Sometimes, someone unexpected stepped up and carried me across the worst of the ride....sometimes with just a reassuring word, sometimes with a hand of support, sometimes with an action that was completely unpredicted...... and sometimes by grasping my hair and dragging me along, kicking and screaming. I hope you all know who you are...and know that I thank you beyond expression. And to the others...I hope you know who you are too... I thank you for your ruthless illumination...

There are regrets....thousands....a litany of transgressions that are irredeemable.... Actions, words, choices... I see them every moment of every day, knowing there is no absolution. But they are my sins...and I embrace the pain I feel as penitence for each mistake.

I have judged some things not worthy of my effort....and been judged just as harshly, for my worthiness. I have been deemed expendable by some, and so I have deemed some dispensable.... With sanguinary precision, I have extricated myself from certain attachments. Better to bleed on my own terms....by my own hand....

Now I find myself in an unfamiliar world. A world of autonomy.... where I am responsible for no one and no one is responsible for me. I've stepped into 2012 with a simple goal of survival and just a tiny amount of hope, trying not to set myself up for too far of a fall. If I stay closer to the ground, it's easier to get back up again. 

Happy New Year from the Dark Side.....
*listening to "Remember Everything" by Five Finger Death Punch